Monday, March 31, 2008

Perfect Shuffle Karma

Mr Duck's had a virus all week, so I volunteered to go to Tesco for some shopping, which, as you know, I hate.

Still, I had a relatively short list, so how bad could it be?

The problem is, I don't know where anything is, and there appears to be no logic to the store layout, whatsoever. When you get to the finger rolls and think, 'what shall we have on them?', you then have to retrace your steps about 5 aisles to get to the ham.

Any half-wit knows you start with the bread when you make a sandwich, not the filling! Every little doesn't bloody help, from where I'm standing.

I could just feel my blood starting to boil, when i remembered my iPod.

I love my iPod and today I had perfect shuffle karma.

You know what I mean.

When the lovely nano selects just the right tracks for your mood and you end up grinning like a mental and going 'Yes, Yes, Oh Yes', very loud as the random playlist unfolds, rather like Meg Ryan demonstrating her orgasm technique in that café in When Harry Met Sally, only louder, more realistically - and in a supermarket.

Here's what it conjured up today:

Duchess - Stranglers
All You Need is Love - The Beatles
She Bangs The Drums - Stone Roses
Misty Morning, Albert Bridge - Pogues
Ole Black 'N' Blue Eyes - Fratellis
Boatman - Levellers
Bankrobber - Clash
Konstantine - Something Corporate
Apologise - OneRepublic
Mrs Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel
How Soon Is Now - Smiths
At The River - Groove Armada
Bad Days - Space
Parklife - Blur
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division

Of course, it took me several months to figure out that the reason my iPod was clever and only picked music I liked on shuffle was because it only contains music I have uploaded and therefore, de facto, like.

But still, finding the appropriate tune for the setting and my ever-changing mood, can't just be guesswork, can it?

Friday, March 28, 2008

Crossed Wires

I don't like rabbits. I think they are evil creatures. Particularly Mrs Second Hand Car Dealer's house rabbit, who takes great delight in leaping out and scaring the crap out of me. It shoots out from behind a sofa, leaps into the air without warning and then suddenly changes direction. And they stare.

Long and hard with their beady eyes. You can't outstare a rabbit.

And they can bite through the sleeve of a denim jacket in seconds.

And they're everywhere*. The Second Hand Car Dealers have three, the Yummy Mummys have two, the Scots down the road have two.

But I don't let them get the better of me, oh no. I do my share of rodent sitting of a weekend, as required.

Sister in China is out-Borough and has no knowledge of the local fascination with the creatures.

So when he was emailed late one night by a friend to say that she had a date with a rabbit, he was somewhat shocked at her candour. Where he lives, this is what passes for a rabbit.

*Please show your gratitude in the usual way for the fact that I resisted the temptation to say they breed like rabbits.

Keeganwatch week 9

He has won a match. I have lost the will to post. Skybet has my roll of tenners. There will be no more on the subject.

Well, perhaps one final Keeganism

On winning against Fulham - 'It was a great result and it might stop people saying Newcastle have not won under Kevin Keegan.' Only 'might', Kevin?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Oeufs à la Neige

On Saturday, I spent hours in the icy and often snowy wind tidying the Purple Garden ready for the great Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday morning. With Easter being early, the garden is not really at its Spring best with the snowdrops gone and tulips still to appear. Mid April is much more convenient, if you're listening in the Vatican.

I needn't have bothered, as all Saturday's hard work was buried under 6 inches of snow on Sunday morning, which made concealing the eggs considerably more challenging than usual, with tell-tale footprints giving away all the locations. The Little Ducks and their friends still had a good time, pausing only to throw snowballs, in between searching for shiny eggs, chicks and bunnies. We watched from the kitchen and stuffed ourselves with sausage butties.

I did feel for residents in a nearby cul de sac, who woke to find a giant penis outlined in footprints in the snow outside their houses. I hope the culprit remembered to wipe the trail of prints leading to his front door!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Keeganwatch week 8

Matches Won 0
Goals Scored 4
Goals Conceded 21
Days to Easter 3
SkyBet odds 3/1

The draw against Birmingham means Keegan is still without a win but he believes his players are starting to find some form.

"I thought Geremi was outstanding and Nicky Butt and Joey Barton in midfield gave us a bit of an engine room. They all put in a shift and if they keep doing that we will be all right."

Didn't the captain of the Titanic say something very similar as they left port?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Available With Subtitles

The Little Ducks are under strict instructions not to answer the front door, but to just check who is outside first and then tell a parent.

A sensible policy that meets health and safety guidelines. And foolproof, or so we thought.

Last night I was taking a bath, while JP and Tiddler played with their Match Attax cards and had their tea.

I was just pondering whether having your eyeballs licked was erotic or just plain weird when


'Find out who it is and come up and tell me' - I yelled, from the comfort of the steaming depths.

Now is probably a good time to mention that Tiddler is slightly hard of hearing and it was he who went to the front door.

'Who is it please?' - I heard him shout through the letterbox.

No response.

The knocking continued, as did the letterbox interrogation.

For several minutes.

So I hauled myself out of the bath, grabbed a robe, headed downstairs.....

and let in the deaf/mute Tesco deliveryman with the week's shopping.

What are the odds?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Testing Testing

The Youth of the Borough are apparently rife with Chlamydia, because they are not making use of Yummy Mummy's condoms and are transmitting it willy nilly - so to speak.

As part of the R U Clear testing campaign, Yummy Mummy and her team have been out and about in local colleges and shops offering to test people. She even bought new jewellery to match her R U Clear promotional teeshirt and matching thong.

Now before you screw your faces up thinking of latex gloves and dropping your trousers, it's a simple pee test, which the Youth can do themselves.

But I'm intrigued as to how you would go about approaching people, without getting your face punched.

'Excuse me, you look like you sleep around, would you like to pee in this pot?'

It knocks those Clipboard Charlies in the street into a cocked hat.

I have given it some thought and have come up with Sniffer Dogs as the solution. If they can detect bombs, drugs and bodies then why not VD?

Bouncers in nightclubs could have one to check people as they entered and stamp the back of their hand with I AM Clear.

You could hire them out for speed dating events to sweep the room before the clock starts.

Club 18-30 could operate teams of dogs to patrol the beaches and pools - part of the all-inclusive package, to avoid the hidden extras.

There's millions to be made here.

Keeganwatch week 7

Matches Won 0
Goals Scored 3
Goals Conceded 20
Days to Easter 12
SkyBet odds 3/1

Newcastle deny holding crisis talks with Kevin after the late defeat against Blackburn and the 3-0 thrashing by the Mersey Reds. 'The Board is 100% behind Kevin. There is no doubt or risk that he will walk away'. I agree absolutely. There is no doubt.