Starter for Ten

Shh. It's 6.20am. I have crept into the bathroom in the hope of having a bath without an audience.

Duck's bathtime has become a participation sport in our house. Nostalgia takes me fondly back to the days when I could wallow in hot water, book in hand, football on the radio, glass of wine balanced on my flat stomach. (Yes, yes, a long time ago...)

Nowadays it's more open house than private sanctuary and locks are no deterrent to Little Ducks.

I spend an age running the water quietly, so as not to wake the household. I step into the bubbles, open 'The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag', wriggle contentedly...

and Tiddler staggers in.

Without so much as a hello, he removes my towel from the toilet seat, wees, farts loudly, sits cross-legged on the seat lid* and fires the first question. Not fair. I'm not prepared for this right now. - There's no big black chair, no revision time, no horn fanfare.

1. For my 5 (sic) birthday, can I have wax in my hair?
2. How many days until we go to Devon? (104 - we're on daily countdown and they've already packed their rucksacks)
3. (In two parts) You know how poo is green before it comes out and then goes brown? - How does it do that?

I elect for a time out. 'What makes you say that Tiddler?' 'It's in the book.' 'What book?' - mentally scanning the bookshelves in his room. 'JP's Big Body Book'. Ah. Inspiration - plays Joker - 'You'll have to ask Daddy that one'.

Without pausing for breath, we move on.

4. Can I wear my batman costume for Hallowe'en?
5. When I'm 5, how many pairs of pyjamas will I have?
6. Girls wee out of their tinkle don't they? Do they poo out of their bottoms like boys?
7. When can we go to the safari park?
8. Am I going to school today?
9. When is my Manchester United kit coming?**
10. Can I have little cereal packs for breakfast...?

I close the book - dinosaur bookmark in the same place as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.


*To be fair, both little ducks remember to put the seat down after use, although I'm sure they're genetically predisposed to lose this skill as they get older.

** Yes! Yes! There is smoke from the Vatican chimneys. He has chosen!