Alarm!

6.30am. I'm still in bed. Outside, the car sports its first frost overcoat of the season. All is quiet. JP and Tiddler have not yet stirred - perhaps Jack Frost has worked his magic on their internal clocks as they're a bit slow to gain consciousness? A positive portent for the day.

Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. Piercing house alarm and frantic cries as Tiddler scampers back upstairs in fright -followed by a naked dash downstairs (Mr Duck - not me, I hasten to add. I'm more Nana Royle than Marilyn Monroe when it comes to bed attire) to switch off the alarm. So much for portents.

I'm trying to develop a sound and thief-proof process for defrosting the car on a winter morning. Last winter I fell victim to an opportunist looking for an idiot who had started their car and then gone back into the warm for a cup of tea. Not finding any such idiots on our estate, they pounced on mine, while Mr Duck was standing not 12 feet away! The cheek, the audacity, the inconvenience - not to mention the wrangle with the insurance company over cover.

SHARK - 'the car was unattended' - not covered.

MINNOW - 'No it bloody wasn't' - covered.

SHARK - (with fingers in ears - la, la, la, I'm not listening) 'the car was unattended' - not covered

MINNOW - (runs to Financial Ombudsman and 'tells' on shark) Result: Shark 0 Minnow 1

Back to the quandary.

Can't unlock car, start it, switch on defrosters and then go back to house to get kettle of warm water - (yes Dad, not boiling water) - leaving car unattended and containing valuables.

Can't carry kettle of water, handbag and laptop, and unlock, open and shut front door with only two hands.

Can't take kettle of water out, throw over windscreen and windows, get back in house, return kettle, pick up laptop bag and handbag, get back to car, unlock it, start it and switch on defrosters before screens have re-frozen.

Will keep you posted on progress and expect to make fortune out of process patent.